


there's some raccoons in this house

by dwarrowdams



Category: TOLKIEN J. R. R. - Works & Related Fandoms, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Animals, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-17 08:16:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28845951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dwarrowdams/pseuds/dwarrowdams
Summary: Eadgar tries to bring home a pet.  Set in the late spring of 2932.
Kudos: 2





	there's some raccoons in this house

**Author's Note:**

> I have had this idea for so long and I'm delighted to finally share it with y'all.
> 
> In this fic, the Ead-twins are just shy of thirteen, Avina's about seven, and Frida's only a couple of months old.
> 
> Also, I tried my best to describe the raccoon's noises (I didn't know how many sounds they made until I started writing this and apparently they are quite vocal creatures), but if you want to know the specifics, do a quick YouTube search to hear the many noises that raccoons can make.
> 
> Please pardon the wonky title: it's what I named the document and I couldn't think of anything better.
> 
> (yes, it is supposed to be read a la "there's some hoes in this house" in WAP)

It was another autumn evening and Eadgar found himself wanting to wander further into the woods.

He and Eadgyd had gone out to explore after dinner so long as they promised to be home before sunset. Eadgar loved the woods more than anything and was always reluctant to leave them. However, the threat of losing some of his treasured time within them was enough to insure that he came home in a timely fashion.

But he had one more thing to do tonight.

“We’d better go back,” Eadgyd said as she swung down from a tree. “Mother won’t let us go out for a week at least if we’re not home soon.”

“You go ahead,” he said. “I want to get something.”

Eadgyd looked as though she wanted to ask what he wanted to get, but shrugged as she turned back towards the house. “Don’t be too long or Mother’ll worry!” she called. “And I’m not about to get in trouble for your mistake!”

Eadgar didn’t respond, for he’d already begun to move further into the forest. He needed to move quickly if he was to fulfill his purpose. He slipped through the trees to a small clearing where he sat down and pulled some berries from his pockets, setting them down on the ground nearby.

He only had to wait a minute or two before a raccoon scurried over and began eating on the berries, not seeming to care how close Eadgar was. He’d been bringing it food for a few weeks now in hopes that it would trust him enough to come home with him. The poor creature looked so lonely and had grown friendly with Eadgar, sitting near him as it ate and even letting Eadgar pet it from time to time. It would make a good pet: it was smart, not too big, and enjoyed Eadgar’s company.

Which was why he planned to bring it home tonight. He opened his hands, offering it the berries he’d brought for it. The raccoon made a contented chittering noise as it took the berries, shoving them contentedly into its mouth. It didn’t seem to mind at all when Eadgar picked it up and wrapped it in his cloak. “There now,” he said. “We’re going to go home.”

As soon as Eadgar began walking, the raccoon squirmed, nervous at the sudden movement. Eadgar paused and stroked the creature’s head gently. “Don’t worry—you’re going to be safe and warm and you’ll have lots of food.”

The raccoon didn’t seem convinced, but another treat from Eadgar’s pocket seemed to persuade it. He wrapped his cloak more tightly around it as he approached the house, grateful that there was no one nearby to see him.

“You have to be quiet now,” he whispered as he approached the door. “I need to wait for just the right time to ask Mother and Father if I can keep you.”

The raccoon seemed perfectly content to nestle quietly in Eadgar’s cloak as he carried it into the house.

Thankfully, everyone else was too busy to notice the squirmy lump in Eadgar’s cloak. He tiptoed to the pantry, where he set the raccoon on one of the shelves, handing it a few more berries. “Be quiet—I’ll try not to take too long, I promise.”

The raccoon didn’t seem interested in making much noise: it simply sat on the shelf and continued to munch the berries.

“Good,” Eadgar murmured as he closed the curtain, beginning to tiptoe away.

He took half a step before nearly running into Avina, who was studying him with a furrowed brow. “What’s in there?” she asked.

“Nothing, Vina,” Eadgar replied as he tried to move past her. “Well, nothing besides food.”

Avina arched an eyebrow at him. “You’re lying,” she said. “I can hear something…”

She reached to pull back the curtain, but Eadgar put his arm out to stop her. “Okay, there is something in there,” he admitted. “But I don’t want Mother and Father to know just yet. If you keep quiet, I’ll bring you your favorite mushrooms and do your chores for a week.”

Avina paused to consider the offer before nodding. “Don’t wait too long or Mother’ll find it,” she said.

Eadgar nodded as the two of them moved away from the pantry. Avina slipped off to her room unnoticed and Eadgar went to hang up his cloak.

“There you are,” Swithun said, getting up from her chair to greet him. “Eadgyd said you’d be a little late and I worried you wouldn’t make it back in time.”

“Good thing I did—it’s too nice not to be outside, especially when everything smells so good from the rain,” he said.

“The rain…” Swithun murmured before looking at Eadgar’s feet. “Have you been walking around in your muddy boots?”

“Oops,” Eadgar said, looking down at the tracks he’d left from the door to the kitchen. He slipped his boots off and grinned up at his mother as innocently as he could.

“Oh, you’re not getting out of it that easily,” she said, ruffling his hair. “Go get a cloth and clean up after yourself.”

Eadgar sighed, but went to get a cloth, moving slowly from the door to the kitchen as he wiped away his muddy prints. He paused by the pantry, listening for the raccoon. He could hear some faint chewing, but he doubted anyone would notice it unless they were listening closely. He finished cleaning and tossed the cloth in the hamper

Swithu glanced at the floor, nodding her approval. “Now that I don’t have to stand in your mess, best wash the dishes while Frida’s asleep,” she said as she headed towards the kitchen.

She stood before the dishes, taking the dishcloth from her apron, but paused as a scratching sound came from the pantry. “Love, are the mice still here?” she called to Ediulf, who was in the sitting area with his feet up.

Eadgar tensed, silently praying that the raccoon would quiet itself or that his mother would simply ignore the sound.

“Oh, they’re definitely gone,” Ediulf said. “Got the last of those hairy bastards last week. That’ll show them what happens to those who fuck with our food supply.” 

“Odd—I could’ve sworn…” she asked, but was cut off by a chittering sound as the raccoon scurried out of the pantry, part of a honey-cake in its paw.

Eadgar covered his face with his hands. Swithun might’ve faced down mighty foes and could hit a target with her bow without looking, but the sight of a rat, mouse, or raccoon was enough to send her running in the other direction. Eadgar hoped against hope that the raccoon would do something to endear itself to his mother.

The raccoon, however, had other ideas. It crawled onto the counter, dropping the remnants of the honey-cake onto the floor in its haste. “How…?” Swithun began, but was cut off by the raccoon jumping down inches from her feet. She shrieked as the creature growled at her, leaping away from it as quickly as she could.

The commotion drew Ediulf’s attention, who took up a handaxe, ready to defend his wife. Once he saw that the foe was a raccoon, he dropped the weapon, staring quizzically at the creature. “Hello there, sir,” he said. “How’d you get in here?”

The raccoon turned to face Eadgar for a moment before scurrying across the floor in search of more food. Ediulf moved out of its way, his face spreading into a grin as he looked at Eadgar. “Care to explain?” he said, arching an eyebrow at his son.

“Not really,” Eadgar replied.

Ediulf shook his head, barely holding back his laughter. “Then answer this question, at least,” he began. “Did you let it in or did it simply follow you?”

“I let it in,” Eadgar mumbled. “I just wanted a pet.”

“Son,” Ediulf said, but he dissolved into peals of laughter before he could say anything else.

Swithun looked considerably less amused as she looked at the sticky little raccoon footprints that now covered the kitchen. She took up the broom, ready to swat at the creature if it approached her again. Thankfully, the raccoon didn’t want to bother Swithun further. It simply scurried down the hall towards the bedrooms, looking for a new place to wreak havoc.

“Skies above,” Swithun murmured, tearing a hand through her hair. “Dear, do you think you can keep it away from Avina and Eadgyd or are you too busy finding humor in the situation?”

“I’m not sure I’ll ever stop finding humor in this,” Ediulf admitted as he started down the hallway. However, he didn’t get far before a cry of surprise came, followed by a long growl.

“Too late, it seems,” Swithun said as Ediulf rushed down the hallway to see what the raccoon had done.

He didn’t have to go far. The raccoon scurried past him a moment later, followed by a frazzled-looking Eadgyd, her hair half-brushed. “Mother, Father, there’s a raccoon!” she cried. “How’d it get into the house?”

“Ask your brother,” Swithun said.

“So that’s what you were doing in the woods,” Eadgyd said, her eyes narrowing slightly. “Why’d you bring it back?”

“I wanted a pet,” Eadgar said defensively.

“You could’ve at least picked a nicer animal, like a squirrel or a rabbit,” Eadgyd said. “Raccoons can be awfully mean. This one was after our maple candy, I think.”

“Did it hurt you?” Ediulf asked.

Eadgyd shook her head. “It did give me a fright, though,” she said. “I was just brushing out my hair and then I looked up to see it clawing at my clothing chest! I do hope it didn’t get to Avina.”

“No need to worry—it wasn’t gone long enough for that,” Swithun said. “But if we don’t get it out soon, it’s only a matter of time.”

“Then I suppose I’ll finish my hair in Avina’s room,” Eadgyd said as she hurried down the hallway.

Thankfully, the raccoon seemed more interested in escape than in bothering Eadgyd or Avina. It had found its way to the door and scratched at it as it made the same grunting noise as before, having no desire to stay now that two people were glaring down at it. The commotion woke Frida, who began crying at the unfamiliar sound.

“There now, you’re all right,” Swithun said as she lifted Frida into her arms, rocking her gently. She turned towards Ediulf, who was barely holding back a grin now that everyone was okay.

“I doubt you’d find it so amusing if the blasted thing had jumped out right in front of you,” she said tartly.

Ediulf tried to answer, but fell into another fit of laughter as soon as he opened his mouth.

Swithun continued rocking Frida, speaking softly to the child “Nothing to worry about, dear,” she said. “Just the men in this house being damn fools.”

“Can’t argue with that,” Ediulf said, once he’d recovered enough to speak. “Although I’m not the one who brought a wild animal home with me.”

“I’d certainly hope not,” Swithun said to him. “You’re old enough to know better.”

“I’d like to say I’ve always been old enough to know better, but I’m not sure I have,” Ediulf said, grinning.

Swithun swatted him with the dishtowel, but the action was more playful than anything. “That’s no matter. If you can, get the damned creature out of the house so Eadgar and I can have a chat. And if you’ve the need to laugh at this, please do it outside. I’m sure I’ll find this amusing one day, but certainly not today.”

Ediulf nodded, collecting himself as he stepped outside. He clicked his tongue to catch the raccoon’s attention and it scurried out the door, clearly eager to escape the confines of the house.

“Well,” Ediulf said, “that’s that taken care of.”

He shut the door behind him, but even the thick wood couldn’t muffle the sound of his laughter.

**Author's Note:**

> Ediulf is another character I wish I hadn't killed off because he is so fun to write. I mean, I love Eadgyd to bits, but she would never say "Hello there, sir" to a raccoon.
> 
> Hopefully more Eadgar Lives AU coming later this week!
> 
> Please leave a comment/kudos if you enjoyed.
> 
> Tumblr: dwarrowdams  
> Twitter: @_tenderqueer


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